Is Anyone Ever Really Gone?
September 19th, 2019
A song, a scent or a time of day can bring me right back to someone. Right now, in my mind, I am with my mom in our old house in the dining room with her cherry glass lamp that sat on a table with marble on top. The wall paper is from years back. Red and white going down the walls with flowers. My mom had great taste. The bay window juts out with the curtains that are a white delicate pattern with flowers in white. They are sheer. The house and room fills up with the smell of her cooking. I can hear her stirring things around, she is at the sink. I can smell her perfume. Shalimar. It always takes me right back.
She is listening to Lou Rawls, or Frank Sinatra, or the many artists she loved. She also had great taste in music. Sometimes in the kitchen while something was cooking, we would dance. I would put my arms around her waist and she would grab my hand and dance with me. Jitterbugging in the kitchen and laughing, we would hug and dance all in one. I miss that. I miss her phenomenal cooking.
I sit here and think to myself how people are never really gone even when they are gone. They are always with us. Recipes live on, smells of them enter the room and our nostrils, songs bring them back. They are in our hearts, our minds, they are imprinted on our being.
In August I headed to New Hampshire to see my family, but also to go to my mom’s grave. It was so many emotions all in one. There was no headstone. At the time, seeing it brought back a lot of emotions and feelings, but it definitely helped me. When I think back to what was there, it was this cool driftwood sculpture that my cousin bought for her, or for the site or plot in general. It was surreal actually. I choose to not want to remember my mom being in the ground, or without a headstone. I won’t need to go back there.
To me, she is here, right now. Tonight, I have a drop of Shalimar on so I can smell her.
I think it’s universal how we can think of someone near or far due to a song. Most people remember a song when it comes to anyone really. A favorite song of you and your best friend, or a whole album that brings you back to a place and time. A smell can bring you back to a place, too, or remind you of someone. Sometimes a smell can permeate your nostrils and brain and make you really miss a lost love, a deceased family member, or a pet.
My senses are very much alive and are super sensitive. I think of others due to songs, smells, times of day, etc. The news is also a trigger. My mom was so into the news. Every night, like clock work, the news would be on. She would get on me about why I didn’t watch the news more. Why? When it comes to politics, there are times where I just want to keep my head in the sand. The important stuff, I will know, but the news is a drag. And yet around 5 pm, I can feel the news will be on soon and I will think of my mom.
With my sister, it’s Dave Matthews that makes me think of her, or the sound of a dental drill. She was a dental assistant. It’s also the smell of a candle burning. My sister was the queen of candle burning and something simmering on the stove, potpourri that smelled delicious. The house would always be vacuumed and warm at night and she would be paging through magazines conjuring up new design schemes for her home, while sipping her homemade iced tea.
The ones we love are never really far away. Even if they are gone. As long as someone is still in your heart or your mind, then they are still with you. My loved ones and those I have lost live on in me and they go with me wherever I go, which is kind of nice. Wherever I go, there they are, too.
