This Lackluster Gem

June 5th, 2018

Nothing could have prepared me for the loss of my mother. Nothing. Towards the end of her life, we were not getting along. A combination of her age, her dementia and other things were making it hard for me to want to be in her life. But now she is gone and a sadness bubbles up from depths of my being that I did not know existed.

Her death has been devastating. I feel like I am grieving not just the loss of my mom, but all losses. My father, my sister and my mom. It has been a whirlwind of emotion and it’s taking it’s toll on me. I feel like I am reliving past members deaths. It’s one big ball of loss.

I have boxes of her things in my apartment untouched because I can’t bare to open them. I have her rings and jewelry, which I don’t want to wear. Why is this ring on my hand, not hers? Her art is hanging here in my living room, but it really just doesn’t feel right here. It doesn’t belong here, it belongs in her home. Her perfume, Shalimar, I can’t bare to smell it.

Her jewelry box sits on my bureau, I open it and I can smell her. Tears stream down my face. The closest of the close know and that’s it, but now you know, too. All of the jewelry that I made for her, I can’t bare to look at it or have it so I sent it to my Aunt Rena, my deceased Uncle Jim’s wife. She wanted some new jewelry of mine, so she got it.

I feel like there is no reason for me to stay here. The link that kept Pennsylvania worthy was my mom. That was it and yet where to go? Do I really want to start over somewhere else, or am I just so grief-stricken that living somewhere else seems the way to go? These are all of the questions I ask myself. Do I go to a different state? One that is less expensive would be nice. I am not sure. Could I handle that? I did it in San Francisco and it wasn’t easy and I was younger then.

I remember telling my mom years ago that when she died, it would be the death of me, too. There is truth to this. However my relationship was with my mom, there was never a doubt that I loved her. I loved her so much. I can hear her answering my questions and telling me what to do, that’s how much she is in my head and how much time we once spent together. I called her almost everyday from 2013 on up to 2015 and I can hear her tell me what Riddle Village was serving for dinner that night.

There is never a replacement for a mother. It just doesn’t happen. To smell her neck when I would hug her. I would give anything for that. My mother was one of the greatest loves of my life and she was the biggest link to my past. She knew most of my fears, things I had been through, etc. A part of me is missing without her. I can’t call her up anymore and ask her a question about my past, or about how to bake her special pie (try to) the way she did. I can’t have the pleasure of taking her for a ride anymore, something she loved so much.

It hasn’t yet been eight months, but it gets worse as time goes on. That is the way it is for me, though. It takes me a while to process loss and death. It took me a year to really feel the loss of my sister. With my dad, we knew he was dying so we were prepared. I didn’t grieve truly until years later since I was so young when he died. I was 17 and didn’t understand the meaning of death. Now, it’s crystal clear as almost all of my Aunt’s and Uncle’s are deceased and more and more connections to the happiest of childhoods are in the past.

If I seem amiss, that is because I am. I am grieving and I am taking time to do things that need to be done, one being, taking some time to find a home, which for a first time homeowner is daunting and scary. Am I making the right decision and where do I want to live? I am scared. I miss my mom. I wish she could come with me when I look for a place. Would she tell me what to look out for? My dad was better at that.

To gems, stones, gold. Gems always shine, but this gem feels lackluster. I hope to shine again. My parents would want me to shine, us to shine. Whenever I see an elderly person walking along with a walker, all I want to do is hug them.